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angel, tori, santa

May 2013



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May. 5th, 2013

angel, tori, santa

(no subject)

i never knew that going to the slutwalk could affect me so much. sitting here outside at starbucks at a table near the sidewalk and this guy comes up to the concrete wall and starts making conversation with me. asking me what i'm working on. asking me what kind of games i'm downloading. chatting about the yogurt place down the street. "why are you alone on a sunday afternoon instead of having a beer with your boyfriend?" "my boyfriend's not here." he chuckles. "you don't have to be so serious." i look him right in the eyes for the first time. "i'm not having the best day, so i'd appreciate it if you left me alone." he puts his hands up defensively and starts to back away and apologizes.

i wish bill had been here. i'm shaking.

Apr. 21st, 2013

angel, tori, santa

(no subject)

i'm sitting in Spirit Winds enjoying a black bean veggie burger and mango italian soda (no whipped cream). i sat at a table for two and realized the art signs that are hanging next to me:


how perfect for my first day after quitting work at the spa. that place was bringing me down big-time. i relate it to my relationship with susan . . . verbally and emotionally abusive. thinking about leaving for months, playing it out in your head for months, until one day you finally have the courage and the means to say, "fuck you guys. i'm outta here."

i have a matter of weeks left in las cruces before the move back to pittsburgh (and my honey), and "live large" is exactly what i plan to do. now that means different things to different people. "live large" to me means spending more time with my chosen family, visiting the mountains and farm animals, hanging out at the university (and maybe crashing a class or two) . . . basically anything that's fun and free.

there's another piece of art in front of me that's pink and colorful and says, "a laugh is a smile that bursts." sounds like something nora's daughter, julilee, would say.

i was so tired of being so busy. of driving so much. of being treated like a massage vending machine instead of a human being. i'm ready to go back to office jobs. a place where i can work set days and set hours and know when my free time is. (and not have that free time infringed upon by requests to come in to work.) i love doing bodywork. i'm in love with bodywork. but when it's done as a means of getting rent paid, it becomes mundane. in these last weeks, i will give my friends and colleagues (who have been so kind to work on me for free) tlc bodywork. the kind that doesn't drain me. the kind that is enjoyable. the kind of bodywork that i love to do.

there is a somewhat-large buddha here that's covered in black reflective squares. he looks like a disco buddha. it is too fucking cool.

Apr. 5th, 2013

angel, tori, santa

(no subject)

my 33rd year. i do believe this year will be magickal. my man will move to this part of the world, i will finally find the desert faires, i will change my job to one that is healthy for me. (and, possibly, get internet again. because it's very hard to write in a journal with people milling around you.)

today is the celebration of me being a day old and getting to meet my big sister and having her fawn all over me. i was brought home on easter sunday in 1980. oh, then i guess i was still at the hospital on this day. tomorrow i will be the anniversary of being brought home. i wonder if my sister got to hold me the day after i was born, or if i was behind the glass at the hospital nursery. so sad how things worked back then. (and still do today, to an extent.) when i have my child (hopefully), she will be born at home with a sprinkle of people around her who love her. in dim lights, magickal music, and, knowing me . . . in the shower. she will immediately see her dad and the face of my beautiful midwife and friend. i will press her against my skin and massage all the little kinks out of her shoulders brought on by the hard work of being born. not a thread of fabric will touch her new skin, for she spent the last almost-year in a pool of silky fluid. (i can only imagine how rough fabric feels to a newborn.) everyone will speak in excited whispers as i sit with my babe and an intoxicated feeling.

May. 6th, 2012

angel, tori, santa

(no subject)

i really must stop these thoughts. the past is no more, so why dwell on it? mmm, "dwell" is the wrong word. reminisce. indulge.
my lj picture doesn't help. that was such a magical night. such a pure friendship, both between he and i and he and rabbitt. the memories going through my mind are abundant and beautiful, about that night and so many others unlike it.

and here i am about to share another beautiful night (week, really) with someone very different. someone present. to see tanya again is such a blessing. and her baby girl. what a joy to get to meet her. i feel so blessed by this friendship that i never in a million years thought could happen. i never entertained the thought of every getting to see her perform, much less become a valuable person to.

these are my thoughts as of late. the distant past and the very-near future. and somewhere, somehow, in the middle, is daily life.

Apr. 7th, 2012

angel, tori, santa

(no subject)

online i-ching reading on ifate.com: please give me insight into my career . . .

This hexagram indicates growing distances from one's romantic partners or comrades. But simultaneously it shines light on the path back to romance and love: Kindness and communication.  Kindness and communication are the unifying forces in the world. You will be given the opportunity to direct your affection toward someone you previously distanced yourself from, and so re-create a stronger bond with them. Another indication here is that of exclusion from a larger circle of friends -- be conscious of your connections with others at this time. Move forward with integrity and don't form relationships out of convenience or formality. 

NOTE: There is 1 changing-line in the hexagram above.  This specially marked line (#1,) reveals how the situation is changing and gives insight into the future of the situation.

The changes to line 1 indicate:  "Easing Forward"- This is a time to fade into the woodwork. Don't try to come between another couple or partnership. In business, this is not the time to form a strategic alliance. Walk forward slowly and with sensitivity.

the "future" hexagram below is the evolution of the hexagram above.  The below hexagram gives insight into forward looking events and the outcome of the question at hand.

"Freedom from hardship" is the meaning of this welcome hexagram. Some challenges will still lie ahead, but the stage has been set for success. You have disentangled yourself from opposing forces. Your projects, ideas and dreams are destined to come to fruition. This is a time to rally your support base, and clear the air of any tensions and grievances. This is a time to forgive and forget. Let worries wash away like water.

i have been wondering if i should pick up extra work outside of my business until my client base picks up. i would still like to work at the spa on mondays to earn money for our may trip to san fran. but it's nice to know that the "stage has been set for success". i mean, yes, i have four clients now and would like more. but i have only been in business since the beginning of february. that's nine weeks. the fact that i have the clients that i do is amazing! the law of attraction is a beautiful thing. but in order for it to work, you have to be content with what is in your life now. so i'm changing my mindset as of now. i am happy to have the business that i do. i am happy to help these four people with their physical and mental well-being and give them a short reprieve from their busy and stressful lives. i appreciate every one of them for the loyalty they have shown me as clients. and i believe that my decision to work on donation has been a good one. it feels good. it may not sound practical, but i believe that it will work in my favor and the favor of those who need my services but may not be able to afford my previously quoted rate.

i have also had a former classmate wanting to talk with me about business and partnerships and whatnot. he has this big dream of opening a franchise spa that pays therapists well. his dream is to start this chain, then sit back and reap the benefits. it's a very common dream in our world today. and his body is not up to massaging for years to come because of the wear and tear it's gotten from years int he military. but i like that the i-ching says, "In business, this is not the time to form a strategic alliance. Walk forward slowly and with sensitivity." i'm not comfortable now with the idea of working with or for someone. maybe in the future, but not now. and this confirms it.

i will walk slowly and with sensitivity. my feelers ahead of me.

Apr. 1st, 2012

angel, tori, santa

(no subject)

a wise woman once quoted a wise man, and it went like this: "spirituality is as serious as a child blowing bubbles."

so it's very fitting and exciting that the girl got me a tall hot-pink bottle of magic bubbles for my birthday -- wand included!

i think my morning meditation routine just got a make-over.

Mar. 22nd, 2012

angel, tori, santa

(no subject)

hmm . . . seems i've gotten tired of lj again. or maybe just not in the mood for writing?

i've been meditating to snatam kaur every morning and evening. 'tis so lovely. going to as many classes at the yoga studio as i can. having weird dreams. (but aren't they always?) the girl and i are in the process of some serious spring cleaning and donating. this space is starting to feel oppressive with all the shit we have. which, really, isn't a whole lot of stuff. there's a lot of things that we don't necessarily need, and it's weighing me down, man.
we're setting two of our friends up, and it's fun to see things unfold. even if they don't end up hitting it off well, i can still see them as being friends.
snatam is performing in oakland the night before tanya's performance in san fran, and i'm thinking that me and lisa's cousin are going have a little play date to go see her. i don't believe in angels, but that woman's voice brings up doubts that they exist.

speaking of . . . i've been up too long without meditating.

Mar. 14th, 2012

angel, tori, santa

(no subject)

i wonder if there is such a thing as going through Shri Mataji's self-realization meditation too many times. haha.
i've done it three times now, and finally today i have no doubts that it didn't happen. yes, i've felt the cool breeze coming from my head since the first time, but my issues with confidence have certainly gotten the best of me. but the universe has sent so many signs already that my kundalini mother is rising. among them, Shri Mataji has been speaking to me during the day and in dreams and my business has been picking up like whoa. (super-excited!)

i'm not sure that the girl is taking all of this seriously. it's hard to tell since she's on the spectrum. and the problem with two aries is that we are only really excited about the things going on with ourselves. ha. but that's why i have friends that i can get excited with. and thank god for them.

i have been listening to Snatam Kaur while meditating. there is something about her voice that just puts me at complete peace. she was raised in the kundalini and sikh paths and is dedicated sikh. the sikh are a bit too strict for me, but they are all about love so they're just fine in my book. but her voice. i mean . . . just . . . wow.

and i'm very impressed with myself that i don't have monkey brain when i meditate! if a thought does come up, i just tell it that i love it and be on it's way. it helps, i think, that i just finished reading "eat pray love". it acted as a kind of coach in this regard, giving me pointers as she found them for herself.

and now i am way too hungry to be sitting here anymore.

Mar. 7th, 2012

angel, tori, santa

(no subject)

oh, kundalini yoga, how i really do love you. i went to a different yoga class today that was like a gentle hatha yoga, and it did not jive with me. can i really just stop going from pose to pose and meditate for a bit in between?
what i love about kundalini is that you alternate between meditating and working your ass off for a few minutes. the workouts are intense, but they don't last very long. and you really prove yourself to be strong when you can hold the plank pose for a whole minute without quite falling to the ground. quite.

and i have found my teacher. my guru, if you will. (although she's so much more than a guru.) in india she is seen as being the great mother incarnate. the one who the prophets said would enter our world. she was born as a divine child. she knew her gift as a little girl. mahatma gandhi saw it as well. she came to be known as Shri Mataji Nirmala Devi. she found a way to awaken the kundalini in anyone in a safe and gentle way. not that there is a harsh way to awaken her. as shri mataji says:

"Kundalini is our Mother,
we are Her only children
and She has been with us through all our lives
just waiting for the moment of fulfillment."

sahaja yoga is one of her children. it means "spontaneous connection" and begins with self-realization instead of self-realization being an unattainable goal like in other yoga practices. then you continue to practice this yoga, which is simply meditation, to continue to grow that seed that sprouted when the kundalini was awakened.

you can reach this self-realization by following her instructions on any number of videos of her directing others. it is not uncommon in yoga to adopt a teacher who has passed from this world, which is good news for me. shri mataji died last year at the age of 88. but her message is still very much alive and thriving and spreading. she has many devotees. no doubt, since she is considered to be The Divine Mother. one day i will travel to india to her birthplace that is now a shrine to the divine mother.

i mean, how could not love her? look at that face!

Mar. 1st, 2012

angel, tori, santa

(no subject)

the plan for today:
~ drink water
~ eat chocolate
~ read eat, pray, love

our water is dirty, so i have to drink bottled. bottled water doesn't taste good to me. it's like they add something to make it taste "clean" when really clean water tastes like nothing. i miss tap. some strapping men were fixing a pipe nearby yesterday and a load of dirt fell in. it's getting better, but definitely still tinted brown. blech.

so i did the best i could and wrote "love" on one gallon of bottled water and "peace" on the other and reiki-blessed them. i need lots of water today. pms is raging, and i have to get these hormones back in order. last cycle, i drank a ton of water a few days before bleeding, and i had no cramps at all. total bonus. homeostasis is love.

the co-op has this great chocolate that i'm in love with currently. salted dark chocolate with almonds. yeah, i'd eat the whole thing in one sitting if it weren't $3.00. it forces me to pace to myself. which i both love and hate.

i decided to read eat, pray, love after seeing a talk by elizabeth gilbert on ted.
i was both hooked on every word and giggling. and, yep, the book has the same effect. it's one of those stories that makes you nod in understanding. it's like a good friend is sitting with you, telling you what's been going on since you last talked almost a year ago.

and i'm stoked for the chapters on india.

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